Where have all the flowers gone?

It is now April 1st the day of hahaha, fooled you.

I am finding no joy in this day nor have I found much since Nov. 6th.  I'm depressed 90 percent of the time with no one to talk to.  People just get uncomfortable talking with the grieving, crying widows.  So I sit in silence and have random bursts of deep depression and sobbing.

The only thing keeping me here is our daughter.  Without her, I would be gone.  I'm trying desperately to go day to day.

T

Sad News.

My love of my life has passed away to a greater place.  Words can not express how much I miss him.

Vince a Life well lived.

Where has the time gone.......

Life has been...........shall we say.....

CHALLENGING

So Vince's company, Holiday, decided that after his FMLA completed they would let him go.  Yup, right in the middle of cancer treatment just let him go without extending his leave and now we have no insurance.

He completed his initial chemo and radiation treatments with flying colors doing great and we waited the 3 weeks till his surgery was scheduled.  He had his PET scan and it showed the tumor had gotten smaller.  He went in on Friday the 2nd for his 5 hour surgery with hopes high.  Our hopes would soon be dashed as I received the call from the surgical waiting area telling me he was on his way to recovery.  I was like WHAT?  He was only in there less than 2 hours.

I immediately knew this didn't bode well as I waited for the surgeon to talk to me.  They had got in a found that the cancer had spread to his pancreas and at that point they decided that putting him through such a difficult surgery and recovery was not in his best interest.  My legs went out from under me.  The surgeon was himself visibly distressed at this finding as it did not show up on the PET scan.  I asked him how long he had.....  His estimate was 6 months.  I can only assume at this point that the cancer was very invasive on his pancreas.  We see the oncologist Thursday and will get more information on the findings and his options at this point.

I brought him home the same day and expectantly we were both in shock at the outcome as he had been doing so well.  Was the star patient in chemo and radiation.  Had very little side effects and everything looked great.  The news was a huge slap in the face.  We spent the rest of the day and evening snuggling in bed with the dogs trying to process all this.

So how does one deal with this terrible news.......
Some would breakdown.  We are the exception.  Maybe it's denial.  Maybe the reality of it hasn't hit.  But for whatever reason we are continuing to try and stay positive.  We are still using humor to get us through this.

I know that I'm going to loose my husband but I'll be damned if I am not going to spend however much time we have living life to the fullest.  We are preparing but not dwelling on it.  He has rollercoaster emotions which are very normal and I sit, I listen, I support any decision he makes concerning this.  If he chooses to do months of chemo I'll be right there with him.  If he chooses not to do any more treatments to maintain a quality of life I'll be right there with him.  Do I want him to go.......no

I also don't want him to feel he has to go through hell for me.  He calls the shots on this and I will support any decisions he makes.

We are going to live this time to the fullest...........  It's all we can do.

It's a bad day.

Vince just spoke to Human Resources today.  Due to his lift restrictions of 10 lbs after his J-tube placement he can no longer work.  So, we shall find a way to cut all costs to 1000.00 bucks a month till his short term disability can kick in.  He has to be out of work for 2 weeks before that happens.

Smile, that's all one can do.

Eh, it's a whinny day.

With everything going on my mind is in a death spin getting ready to crash and burn.  Between this dark depression that has taken hold and of course the wonderful Mercury Retrograde I am taking everything in the wrong way becoming increasingly irritated and aggitated with of course pain levels gong through the roof.

I want to wake up and have t the way it used to be with the daily grind of life and not the increasing realization that cancer is living in my house.  The mail daily is making me crazy.  We are only just starting this process and the co pays are climbing without having even started the chemo or radiation.

Last night we had hamburgers with avocado, onion and balsamic vinegrette reduction.  Vince tried to eat it but the first bite he took (much to big) and as chewed as well as he could would not go down.  Got stuck and with panic in his eyes he ran to the bathroom choking.  He became very depressed that he wasn't able to eat it being Italian and loving food.  So I took it to the kitchen tossed everything but the bread into the nutra bullet with some stock some more avocado and puree'd it to a smooth consitency.  It did not look appetizing at all and he pretty much said, Yum, Alpo but he was able to eat it and the flavor was there.  Have to invest into a food processor now.  I want to keep the bullet for his protein shakes and smoothies.

Anyway, trying to keep up the "Laughter" medicine but it is already so fucking hard.  He is going to try to go to work tonight after his surgery to put the port and J-tube in.  Just worried how this is all going to work out.

My husband has cancer

A wife's journal

In the beginning.........

Vince and I have been married for almost 28 years. Mainly it has been him worrying and caring for me during all my multiple illness's, including my own cancer. Now, it's my turn. On January 14^th, 2014, we received the results of his biopsy, Esophageal Cancer.

What brought us to this life changing diagnosis came months ago. It seems to have slowly crept up on us like a cat on a mouse. I had seen signs that something was wrong with him probably 7 months beforehand. He would come home from work and look white as a sheet. I mentioned to him on multiple occasions that it looked like he was anemic and in traditional Vinnie style he poo poo'd me and said, “I'm fine”.

He was loosing weight which was a good thing as he was a big man but he really wasn't on a diet and had not be actively trying to loose weight. His energy started dropping to the point he was so exhausted when he got home he melted into his chair and didn't have the energy to do much of anything. Like a true stubborn Italian man he was ignoring his own body till he got so tired and worn out he finally went into Urgent care. Well, Urgent care was pretty much a waste of time as the doctor just assumed he had some virus and wouldn't do any blood draws. One week later we took him to the ER and after they did all the blood work found out that he was indeed anemic. His Hbg was 7.2 and for a normal male it should be 14 to 16. That night they gave him 2 units of blood and sent us home but they did arrange for him to have a colonoscopy to try and find where he was bleeding from.

The next day he went to work and really should not have but when he got home he was white as a sheet again and feeling weak. Two days after the 1^st transfusions he was back in the ER to get 2 more.

We waited patiently for the day of his colonoscopy. The day arrived and they decided that they were doing a colonoscopy and an endoscopy the same day. Colonoscopy turned out clear but he had a lot of bleeding in his stomach which they said was an ulcer and they took biopsies of the area. Those biopsies came back negative and he was to return in a month to have another endoscopy to see if he was healing. They had prescribed him Prilosec 2 times a day.

So on January 6^th he went in for his follow up endoscopy. This time the doctor took more biopsies and told us the ulcer was clearing up. One strange thing is he didn't give us the pictures this time. I asked for them and the nurse came back and said he was going to keep them to talk to a couple other doctors. Flag went up for me right there.

So on his appointment with the doctor on the 14^th Vince was told that the biopsies this time showed cancer. Deep down we had both had the big “C” in our heads that was going to be the diagnosis. When he called me from the doctor's office and told me I was devastated, he was numb. The diagnosis was Esophagus Cancer. The doctor did say they caught it early but they didn't know the stage of the cancer which won't be known till after it is removed.

Immediately he was given the information for all the appointments for scans that he has to have done and his Nurse Coordinators etc. I was at home in tears and had to call our daughter to give her the news. She was upset but she became the rock and tried to calm and reassure me. She is a strong young woman.

When Vince came home we sat together on the bed and talked trying to reassure each other that no matter what we would fight this together. I posted for prayers on FB and the immense love came pouring out for both of us. And so it began......this fight for life.

Wednesday, January 15^th the day of the 1^st CT scan. Neither of us had slept as this was moving at such a whirlwind pace. One day your told you have cancer the next morning your in a CT scanner. We have so far dealt with all this with humor. Laughter is the best medicine and Vince had me rolling on the floor after he was done with the scan. He told me that when they took him into the changing room they said, “You can keep your shirt on but everything below the waist off except for these scrubs.” Well, they had two sizes of scrubs one to big and one to small.

He got the bigger ones and as he walked down the hall to the scanner in his exsausted state he forgot to hold his pants up and found himself in the hallway with his pants around his ankles with his naughty bits all hanging out for the world to see. He calmly pulled them up and continued walking as the nurse said to him, “forgot to hold those up huh?”

Laughter..... You have to have laughter or you fall down into the pit of despair.

January 16^th, Off we go into the cities for a PET scan.

As we waited for them to call him in for the scan I snuck over to the gift shop to look around. I found the coolest things. I came back to the waiting room and handed him one.

That brought out a huge smile.

After 45 minutes of waiting the technician came out to tell us that the PET scanner was broken. GRRRRR. We had his Nurse Coordinator for Abbott with us at the time and I said, “Well, we have to come in tomorrow for his ultrasound can they reschedule him tomorrow?” as we live 50 miles from the hospital. GREAT news they had an opening at 7 am. Which seen as the PET scan takes 2 hours we would get done in time for him to go to the other side of the hospital for his ultrasound at 9:30. Although now we have to get up at 3:30 in the morning to leave by 5 to get there by 6:45 with the crazy snow and bitter cold storm coming through.

Nurse Jessica gave us a 3 ring binder with everything a cancer patient could want to keep track of everything and told us that she had scheduled the appointment with his surgeon for Tuesday the 21^st. Off we went.

Now I have learned that you should always use Valet parking. We unfortunately did not and ended up on the fourth level, winds blowing and lo and behold.... the elevator was not working. Tomorrow I'm using Valet parking.

We were both starving to death as he had not eaten since the night before nor did I so off we went to Perkins. He ate a hearty meal.

And so our wait for the morning begins. It is 1 a.m. Vince is sleeping and here I sit typing. Yup, insomnia is my name.

Parenting. The hardest fucking job in the world.

Today we made the decision to tell our daughter to leave our home.  She is 20 years old and although we were proud as hell that she finally got a job and was working toward being able to live independently alas....  The lie.

Most people will find me a very evil mother but I did my best.

She graduated from Hubert H. Humphrey Job Corps this year and everything was looking great.  She got a job unfortunately not a drivers license along with it.  I had no problem driving her to work but I also kept on her to get a license.  I always thought it odd that a job she was hired to work 35 hours a pay period she wasn't being scheduled those hours.  She would get off early or not be scheduled for 2 weeks.  I would question her about it and got a very negative Taurus response.  This has been almost 3 months now.

Last night I heard a rumor....small towns ya know.

One of her co-workers had stated that she likes to leave work early and asks for a lot of days off.  Well this infuriated me to say the least but I called her as she is up north on vacation with her girlfriend.  Confronted her about the rumor and told her I was going to call her manager to confirm this.  Already I knew she had been lying as I could hear the tears.  I told her if in fact this was true she would have to move out.  I'm tired of dealing with her fantasy land of make believe where her parents take care of her for life while she sits around playing games, choosing when she will work etc.

Now I'm the mom who when she got in trouble as a young child, stealing and stuff, I took her to the police personally to have a chat.  I don't let her get away with nothing.  I have consequences to not behaving like a responsible adult.  

I called her today to give her the opprotunity to tell me the truth.  She chose to not speak to me but have her girlfriend make up excuses as to why she couldn't answer the phone.  By not talking to me she has confirmed that what I heard was in fact the truth.

So, she has decided to come get her shit.  Time for a real world wake up call.  In two months when her girlfriends mother starts threatening her life again I will direct her to the nearest shelter.  Her girlfriend doesn't work either.  Good Luck.

I will not rescue her again from this family that she is in such denial about.

I must turn my heart cold in order for her to start using those wings and flying.

Parenting sucks.

To you Alyssa