Time for Some Brutal Honesty, Forgive Me Father for I have Sinned.

The world is full of good intentions.  Today I read a note that was full of these good intentions, that we should not focus on the negative things going on in the world as we can make them reality and fear sets in...Something along those lines.  This woman has wonderful, beautiful intentions but inside I think, "Wait a minute....good intentions are great but if we ignore the shadow side of life aren't we just doing what those in power want us to do?"  

If we only focus on the positive and sending out loving energy and spend no time focusing on the shadow side of life, we are the Sheeple..  Blindly following the road of good intentions which is what they want.  If I don't see it, it won't be a reality.  Fear is an illusion.  Knowledge is power and with knowledge I don't have to buy into the illusion of Fear.  It is a choice...do I want to manifest that fear or not.  I have spent most of my 48 years blindly walking away from the shadow side as if it didn't exist but it does and until we can look it in the face and embrace it for what it is, all the good intention in the world won't change it.  We as human beings do have a shadow side.  We hide from it, deny it until it transforms into something out of control.  I feel that denying that it is there is more powerful in manifesting it in our lives than not.

The world is going threw some extremely crazy changes and we all feel it.  I'm not happy about what is going on in the world but I can only change myself.  I can send out all those good intentions and loving energy but until those that live in the shadows are "enlightened" or have the spot light upon them they will continue to do what they are doing. 

I don't particularly like my own shadow side.  I've done things in my life I'm not proud of and some that I'm down right ashamed of but I have looked at it and by being aware of it, have done my best to change those patterns.  It seems to be coming full circle for me right now.  There was a reason I didn't become a parent till I was 30.  My daughter would have been abused horribly as I was.  I have tried my best to do the total opposite of how my parents raised me.  I have tried to maintain a calm, balance and avoid conflict and blind rages.  My daughter will soon be 18 and a few nights ago she threw one to many trigger words my way.  My Shadow Side came out full bore.  My daughter has NEVER witnessed the rage that I hold in check. 


But she became the focus of all that rage that night.  Although I never hit her I did shove her down onto the couch and became possessed with rage, yelling and screaming at her as she cowered like a rabbit in a trap.  She went to her room as I paced the living room only to walk up to her room and kick the door in.  She was terrified for her life at that point.  I saw it, I felt it and I wanted her to know that I did.  I told her she was weak...that if any predator out in the world saw her they would read that weakness and she would be in this same position.   I told her to get the fuck out and take a two hour walk to see what it was like to be homeless. 

"What the hell was I doing!"  I'm ashamed of my actions as I lost total control and demeaned my daughter the one person that has kept me here in this messed up world.  That's not love, that was my mother....my shadow side.  The same people I have kept her away from for 14 years.  I see my daughter walking right into that kind of family that I have tried to protect her from when she leaves this house and she won't listen. 

I know that she has her own journey to travel and that it is the only way that she can learn and evolve as a person and find her own inner strength but it is killing me.  Sure it could be the empty nest "syndrome".  I have actually been analyzing this in my own head for days now.  Am I being to damn paranoid? Am I intentionally getting her really angry at me that she proves me wrong.  Am I a horrible Mother... 

I know what awaits her out there, I have lived it.  I have had dreams of only having her for another 5 years....which she calls "Paranoid" trigger word.  "Drama Queen" trigger word..  I sit here and think about the day I have to pick up the pieces.

I sit here and look at other peoples Face Book pictures of these happy go lucky families but I know they aren't what they appear to be.  Not all of them.  I know they have issues some very serious some not so...but we all put up that mask to hide the shadow side.

This is why I'm the black sheep of my family.  I refused to keep up the mask, I talked, I threw the mirror up in their faces and they didn't like what they saw just as I don't like what I see in the mirror right now.  I can't ignore the shadow side of life of myself.  So this is my personal confession...my imperfection.  As much as I hate it, I do retain those dark parts of my own mother and father.  I can only hope that I haven't destroyed the most precious, precious gift God ever gave me.


The shadow and the light.
It's not pretty but it's there no matter how hard you try to not pay attention to it.  It is festering out there...and it is time to bring it to light.

My Meditation

One of the things I have learned on the Silence Retreat was how I actually meditate.  It comes out with creativity.

I was inspired and went out to buy a HUGE canvas.  And thus the process begins.

Simple enough.  Getting in touch with the Mother Goddess within the woods.  The sun the moon the trees....

Getting rooted into the earth, feeling the pulse of the Mother coming up through my feet.  Opening the inner wisdom that all life is interconnected.  Blossoming forth from the womb of creation.

 
Until, the completion....

It is through the act of creating, painting, sculpting that I realize my inner rambling voice is quieted.  My focus is steady and I am truly meditating at this point.  It took this painting inspired by silence and the stillness of the woods that I realized, I already know how to meditate.  I know how to quiet the mind.  It was there all the time.  It just took a Spiritual Doula and a Wood Pecker to wake me up to it...

I feel blessed.

I LOVE Full Moons..

So each month I shall take a picture of the full moon (if visible of course).  I missed January's moon but I have February's..

Full Moon Feb, 17th, 2011

Full Moon Feb. 18th, 2011

 Now there are many names for each months full moon...  These are some for the Moon in February.

Each full moon during the year has a traditional name in different human cultures. February's full moon is best known as the Wolf Moon among some Native American tribes.

The Algonquian peoples of North America called it the Snow Moon. Other names are Hunger Moon, Storm Moon, and Candles Moon. In Hindi it is known as Magh Poornima. Its Sinhala (Buddhist) name is Navam Poya.

See you in March Ms. Moon....  to be continued..

Dwelling In The Woods, Silent Retreat with Harmony, Part 2

What is your Quest?
What do you Seek?

 My answer......THIS!

 

Just being.....with no electromagnetic overloads from t.v.'s, video games, etc.  Nothing but a simple existence free from distraction.  No stress, No worry, just PEACE & QUIET.  The calm within.  I have no restless leg symptoms here, no anxiety.  Unfortunately reality is that I can't be totally away from it.  I have to find this within myself.  I have to be able to call upon this serenity whenever I require it....  My Holy Grail...

What is my Quest?        Connection to my Spiritual Light

What do I Seek?           My inner Buddha the Silence within my own soul

                                    Reconnect with Source

I sat for the longest time contemplating that question.  All too soon morning will come and I will have to leave this Heaven on Earth...

 It's 10:42 p.m. everyone is sleeping and I'm feeling the tension is building in my shoulders as I contemplate going home.  I want to stay here forever...

But before I go to bed this night...I felt the need to rock my socks off outside in the cold, fresh air, in my car rocking away to the hot jams (always inspirational) of D.J. Shelli.......  Rock On Dude.

 Day Three

 It's 5:35 a.m., Up with the birds again, stripped down my bed into a neat little bundle to take to the office.  Got all my things organized and carried the larger items to my car and put them in the trunk....

Came in and I smell coffee brewing away...hum, Harmony is also up?  Sneaky woman must sense my apprehension.  I go and make something to eat but it doesn't taste the same.

I go outside the back door and feed the black capped chickadee's some bread crumbs and leave out some pieces of banana for the squirrels.  The chickadee comes swooping so close I can almost touch him but just out of reach.  I think I felt him swoop and touch my scarf in Thanks.  So I stand back and let him come down to have a snack.

I know he is telling me I will be back. 

 This weekend reminds me of all the times in my youth when we lived in Red Wing when I would climb the bluff behind our house to my favorite Birch Tree.  The limb of this tree extended way out over the drop off and I would climb up on it, way out and just sit.  I loved that tree.  I would also climb higher on the bluff to a meadow area and just sit in the center.  Just BE.  I have no fear of the woods or the critters within it.  I know the rules and am one with them.  Being so different from my own family, not fitting in there for sure.  I fit in more with nature, it nurtures it's occupants in a wonderful symbiotic way.  No judgements.  Everything flows as one and everything is different in it's own way but perfect just the way it is.  To many people in this world need to learn the lessons that can be found here.  Maybe there would be a little bit more Love and Acceptance in the World for those who are "different".

My inner power lies deep within the woods.  In the plants, trees, birds, animals and all the creepy crawly's. Although wood ticks have their place I would prefer to avoid them. ;)   I understand the cycles of life in those woodland areas.  Death of one brings life to the next.  Each symbiotic organism working toward the better good of all.  

I need to begin at home...change the inner sanctum and make a sacred space.  Remove the CHAOS! 

I am going to be making plans after I graduate to spend some time doing Service at The Dwelling In The Woods.   At least 2 weeks to start...;)

Would I recommend a stay at The Dwelling In The Woods?  Have you read this?

YES.........It may be difficult at first especially if your a "A" type personality that is constantly busy, busy, busy and on the go but......... if you surrender to the process, the benefits you will receive are immense. 

Dwelling in The Woods, Silent Retreat with Harmony

This Blog dedicated to the Songs of Yusef Cat Stevens Islam

Day One.....

 Arrived one hour early to The Dwelling in the Woods.  No surprise there as 1. I'm always early and 2.  Google Maps didn't give me an accurate time of arrival...  Along the way I was given, shown, honored, overwhelmed and titillated to see soaring above the road in my direction a HUGE eagle!  I did scramble the best I could to grab my camera while driving to get a picture but alas, it was not to be.  I got the meaning though!  Soooooo, arrived and greeted the owner and of course bought some chatski's  while waiting for Harmony to arrive.  In drives Harmony and away we go...to the wonderful Octagon Dwelling.

On a side note here, I have been doing some research on all the Mother of Teresa's and one in particular....Mother Teresa of Avila who I might add was also know as St. Teresa of Jesus.  What does this have to do with this Silent Retreat you may add?  St. Teresa is best known for her "Devotions of Silence".  So interesting that I had been researching her and boom, I'm on a Silence Retreat.  So things kind of come together Serendipitously.  She was also a reader of Mystic texts.....wink wink.

We finally all arrived and got our rooms situated and then shared a meal and then began by going over the guidelines for the weekend.  Did some meditation exercises and had an all about good time giggling at the childlike wonder of Dana and the Rain Sticks.

Harmony even worked on me prior to Dana's arrival as I had and have a tooth that is bothering me big time but I wouldn't let that prevent me from attending.

We went for a lovely walk along the trails and got some much needed fresh air and good vibrations outside.  When all was done, Harmony and Dana went to there rooms to either a. sleep or b. meditate on the weekend.  I'm not sure as I ran outside to partake in my evil habit and take some FABULOUS shots of the moon.... I'm being followed by a Moon Shadow, Moon Shadow, Moon Shadow...

Off I went to bed....early for me at 11 p.m.


Day Deux

 Morning has broken, like the first morning........Blackbird has spoken.....

Day Two.....Complete Silence....

 For most people this would be hard to do...not me.  I love it.  I have sought it out all my life when I've needed to recharge after an over stimulating world.  So.......on to day two....

 6:30 a.m.  Woke up with anticipation.  Quickly looked out the window to see if I could see the sun rising....alas no...So I quickly got dressed and took my camera with me..(it's attached at the hip).  I walked to the end of the driveway into the road.  Facing East I caught the shimmer of the deep pink rising sun in the distance.  I stood there for 10 minutes greeting the spirit of the East as it's morning rays began to rise up and begin a new day of hope.  I then walked back to our cottage as the snow gently began falling.  Just a light powdering falling.  The air fresh and clean in my lungs until of course I got to the cottage and had to have a smoke before going in.  (surprisingly I smoked 1 pack in 3 days)

7:00 a.m.

Came inside and prepared  a fresh pot of coffee for my other soul sista's asleep upstairs.  Then I ate a wonderful bowl of oatmeal.   NUM NUM for the TUM TUM.

I then proceeded to walk around the cottage and landed in the one of the little libraries and was looking at the books when boom....a book jumped out at me....You guessed it.....Mother Teresa, No Greater Love.  Well seen as I've been researching all St. Theresa's in my book she counts as one and I proceeded to grab the book and start reading.

Sat outside on the stoop wrapped in my blanket and of course had to have a smoke and it was most quiet...  Whats that?  Then I hear, knock, knock, knock, knock.  I'm looking around for the source of the sound and over in the distance on a branch high up was a wood pecker.  I'm wondering what this is about...so I tuned in further...and it must have been his favorite tree as he was most diligently pecking away at it.

It reminds me of Morse code and although I was never a boy scout and did not understand the exact message coming through, I felt in my heart and soul that it was for me.  This was confirmation was confirmed when he sent a vision into my brain case...  Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail popped into my head.  As the Knights are reaching the cross bridge they are met by a very old man in raggedy diaper britches, with a sly grin upon his face.  I think this "man" is God.  Yes, in one of his many disguises to throw you off his trail.  He gets his message across one way or another...and I think he is a comedian....one word.....Platypus.

I walk to the bridge and the questions are put before me.......

WHAT is your Quest?
 WHAT do you Seek?

 Although he was most gracious and didn't ask me what the high speed velocity of an Eagle holding two coconuts was......Thank You...  Again, comedian.

 So, throughout the day these two questions have been running through my head.

 WHAT is your Quest?
 WHAT do you Seek?

I'm seriously starting to question those Wood Peckers now.

At 9:30 a.m. Harmony gently knocks on my door and hands me a book with a page marked with a little note.  The book....Mother Earth Spirituality marked at The Sweat Lodge Ceremony.  The note; "for your sweat if you want to read it" .  Well, I have been having the urge for about 6 months or more to do a Sweat Lodge and lo and behold, The Dwelling has an outdoor SAUNA!

Well after reading this chapter I quickly grabbed the items I needed, threw on my shorts and sweat pants and merrily walked on down to the Sauna..  It takes about 40 minutes for the ice cold room to get to temperature once you make a fine fire.  I'm good at making fire and it helps when they have the neatest starting materials.  Little paper egg carton cups with paraffin in them.  Makes life much easier.

So as I wait for the room to heat up, I walk up to the main house with the bucket and get some water and go back down to the sauna.  Put some offers out and prepared to enter the dark, warm, womb of the Mother.  I also grabbed a pine branch to bring in with me along with my gift from Harmony of a sage/mullein bundle and my tobacco and sage from home.  Dropped down to my skives aka shorts, grabbed everything and walked inside.

Dropped some water on those hot rocks and SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH the steam begins....I place the wet pine branch on the rocks along with my sage/mullein bundle and can smell the sweet smell of mullein and lavender and sage with a touch of pine.  Sat in there for a good 20 minutes, threw more wood in the stove and stepped out for a cool off in the snow.  

Went back in again for round two and by the time the next 20 minutes was up the temp in the room was a hot, steamy 130 degrees so out I came for another cool down in the snow and a quick drink of water...You can see the steam coming off me.

Yes, I look miserable but went back in for a third round!  The toxins were pouring out of me and I definitely needed it.  I have learned one thing....pictures inside the sauna are not that good...

but the benefits of this purification are fabulous....as you can tell by the happy grin as I completed round 4.......

 One last snow bath and into the hut I went to put my shirt on...but I walked back to the cottage in my shorts and t-shirt carrying my coat as it felt wonderful...  Went into the cottage where I saw Dana sitting on the couch doing some reading and with eye and hand gestures told her to go to the sauna!  I realise I have been at the sauna for a little over 2 hours now and the need to shower is great.....Sweaty toxins need to go bye bye.  Jumped into the shower and just let it go down the drain...

Ah, refreshed and reinvigorated....  Got dressed and proceeded  to go down for lunch.  A fabulous meal prepared by the Ladies at the Dwelling.  The Food Is FABULOUS!  Although my IBS is not used to such good, natural meals and did some complaining.  I went and took a two hour nap.

Upon waking I found that the others had gone for a walk in the woods.  I dressed and went my own way out into the wilderness.  It is a wonderment as to the beauty that surrounds us in the natural world.  The sun setting in the west with brilliant colors, trees all around,tall, majestic beings guarding, encouraging and showing the way.  No hurry they whisper, one step at a time, stop to take it all in.  Energy pulses up from the interconnected underground roots of life.  The pulse of the Mother beating through my feet with each step I take.

WHAT IS YOUR QUEST?
WHAT DO YOU SEEK?

 To be continued  ;)

Negative Brain Chatter

Once again I'm in Manic mode.....I've slept maybe 3 hours in 48 hours and yet again....I'm still awake.  Toss and turn toss and turn, to hell with it, may as well get up and go back on the computer.  Yet, I know that out there you are sleeping peacefully with lovely dreams or just getting up and getting ready to go to work.   So I sit here and talk to myself.  The whole thing with laying in bed staring up at the ceiling is the negative brain chatter that goes on. 

You can't do this, you can't do that, your not good enough, why bother, ya ya ya de da...I say this to my brain chatter....Fuck Off but yet I still become consumed with it's negative rantings.

It's a catch 22.....running in a circular wheel like a very bored hamster, just running to get somewhere and getting no where.  Nibble some kibble, poop and get back on that wheel.  I sometimes wonder if those poor hamsters become OCD about running on them after awhile.  They must, how boring are their lives.  Oh sure they have some dedicated human who will come to feed them, give them water, clean there cage and maybe if it's a really good week, take them out for some interaction and all the time the hamster is thinking, "GOT TO RUN ON THE WHEEL GOT TO RUN ON THE WHEEL" no wonder the majority of them bite.

And yet there are the crafty little buggers who shake their tiny little paw up at the ceiling and say, "NO!  I WILL NOT BE CAGED TO THIS EXSISTENCE!"  Those are the smart ones that always seem to find a way to escape....Run to the wild, the little hamster Fonze's in there black leather jackets jumping over the shark or cat infested waters on their little ski's. 

I feel like the OCD hamster personally but dream of one day being the hamster Fonze.  If only that negative brain chatter would stop.

That is all.........

Conundrum

I have come to the conclusion that

I have been the outsider, the watcher always looking in,

always yearning to be a part of something bigger,

You fear me, as I am silent or you do not have the compacity to understand

that which is me.

I am the mirror image of you that you do not wish to see,

I am all that is good and all that is bad in this world.

I am the rider in the dark night swinging my lantern for all to see,

but you shut the me out,

what is it that you fear to see

I am the humanity of the lowest forms

the battered, abused

the gentle and cruel

the ugliness of reality

that most wish to turn away from.

The shadow self walking in the light for all to see

is this what you fear

Your crystal castle up on high

blinded by the rays of the sun

I see the radiance

I bathe in it's light

in the underbelly of life

You can choose to walk with your bridled blinders on

but the reality is still the same

we are but mirrored images

we are one in the same

can you accept that?