My husband has cancer

A wife's journal

In the beginning.........

Vince and I have been married for almost 28 years. Mainly it has been him worrying and caring for me during all my multiple illness's, including my own cancer. Now, it's my turn. On January 14^th, 2014, we received the results of his biopsy, Esophageal Cancer.

What brought us to this life changing diagnosis came months ago. It seems to have slowly crept up on us like a cat on a mouse. I had seen signs that something was wrong with him probably 7 months beforehand. He would come home from work and look white as a sheet. I mentioned to him on multiple occasions that it looked like he was anemic and in traditional Vinnie style he poo poo'd me and said, “I'm fine”.

He was loosing weight which was a good thing as he was a big man but he really wasn't on a diet and had not be actively trying to loose weight. His energy started dropping to the point he was so exhausted when he got home he melted into his chair and didn't have the energy to do much of anything. Like a true stubborn Italian man he was ignoring his own body till he got so tired and worn out he finally went into Urgent care. Well, Urgent care was pretty much a waste of time as the doctor just assumed he had some virus and wouldn't do any blood draws. One week later we took him to the ER and after they did all the blood work found out that he was indeed anemic. His Hbg was 7.2 and for a normal male it should be 14 to 16. That night they gave him 2 units of blood and sent us home but they did arrange for him to have a colonoscopy to try and find where he was bleeding from.

The next day he went to work and really should not have but when he got home he was white as a sheet again and feeling weak. Two days after the 1^st transfusions he was back in the ER to get 2 more.

We waited patiently for the day of his colonoscopy. The day arrived and they decided that they were doing a colonoscopy and an endoscopy the same day. Colonoscopy turned out clear but he had a lot of bleeding in his stomach which they said was an ulcer and they took biopsies of the area. Those biopsies came back negative and he was to return in a month to have another endoscopy to see if he was healing. They had prescribed him Prilosec 2 times a day.

So on January 6^th he went in for his follow up endoscopy. This time the doctor took more biopsies and told us the ulcer was clearing up. One strange thing is he didn't give us the pictures this time. I asked for them and the nurse came back and said he was going to keep them to talk to a couple other doctors. Flag went up for me right there.

So on his appointment with the doctor on the 14^th Vince was told that the biopsies this time showed cancer. Deep down we had both had the big “C” in our heads that was going to be the diagnosis. When he called me from the doctor's office and told me I was devastated, he was numb. The diagnosis was Esophagus Cancer. The doctor did say they caught it early but they didn't know the stage of the cancer which won't be known till after it is removed.

Immediately he was given the information for all the appointments for scans that he has to have done and his Nurse Coordinators etc. I was at home in tears and had to call our daughter to give her the news. She was upset but she became the rock and tried to calm and reassure me. She is a strong young woman.

When Vince came home we sat together on the bed and talked trying to reassure each other that no matter what we would fight this together. I posted for prayers on FB and the immense love came pouring out for both of us. And so it began......this fight for life.

Wednesday, January 15^th the day of the 1^st CT scan. Neither of us had slept as this was moving at such a whirlwind pace. One day your told you have cancer the next morning your in a CT scanner. We have so far dealt with all this with humor. Laughter is the best medicine and Vince had me rolling on the floor after he was done with the scan. He told me that when they took him into the changing room they said, “You can keep your shirt on but everything below the waist off except for these scrubs.” Well, they had two sizes of scrubs one to big and one to small.

He got the bigger ones and as he walked down the hall to the scanner in his exsausted state he forgot to hold his pants up and found himself in the hallway with his pants around his ankles with his naughty bits all hanging out for the world to see. He calmly pulled them up and continued walking as the nurse said to him, “forgot to hold those up huh?”

Laughter..... You have to have laughter or you fall down into the pit of despair.

January 16^th, Off we go into the cities for a PET scan.

As we waited for them to call him in for the scan I snuck over to the gift shop to look around. I found the coolest things. I came back to the waiting room and handed him one.

That brought out a huge smile.

After 45 minutes of waiting the technician came out to tell us that the PET scanner was broken. GRRRRR. We had his Nurse Coordinator for Abbott with us at the time and I said, “Well, we have to come in tomorrow for his ultrasound can they reschedule him tomorrow?” as we live 50 miles from the hospital. GREAT news they had an opening at 7 am. Which seen as the PET scan takes 2 hours we would get done in time for him to go to the other side of the hospital for his ultrasound at 9:30. Although now we have to get up at 3:30 in the morning to leave by 5 to get there by 6:45 with the crazy snow and bitter cold storm coming through.

Nurse Jessica gave us a 3 ring binder with everything a cancer patient could want to keep track of everything and told us that she had scheduled the appointment with his surgeon for Tuesday the 21^st. Off we went.

Now I have learned that you should always use Valet parking. We unfortunately did not and ended up on the fourth level, winds blowing and lo and behold.... the elevator was not working. Tomorrow I'm using Valet parking.

We were both starving to death as he had not eaten since the night before nor did I so off we went to Perkins. He ate a hearty meal.

And so our wait for the morning begins. It is 1 a.m. Vince is sleeping and here I sit typing. Yup, insomnia is my name.

Parenting. The hardest fucking job in the world.

Today we made the decision to tell our daughter to leave our home.  She is 20 years old and although we were proud as hell that she finally got a job and was working toward being able to live independently alas....  The lie.

Most people will find me a very evil mother but I did my best.

She graduated from Hubert H. Humphrey Job Corps this year and everything was looking great.  She got a job unfortunately not a drivers license along with it.  I had no problem driving her to work but I also kept on her to get a license.  I always thought it odd that a job she was hired to work 35 hours a pay period she wasn't being scheduled those hours.  She would get off early or not be scheduled for 2 weeks.  I would question her about it and got a very negative Taurus response.  This has been almost 3 months now.

Last night I heard a rumor....small towns ya know.

One of her co-workers had stated that she likes to leave work early and asks for a lot of days off.  Well this infuriated me to say the least but I called her as she is up north on vacation with her girlfriend.  Confronted her about the rumor and told her I was going to call her manager to confirm this.  Already I knew she had been lying as I could hear the tears.  I told her if in fact this was true she would have to move out.  I'm tired of dealing with her fantasy land of make believe where her parents take care of her for life while she sits around playing games, choosing when she will work etc.

Now I'm the mom who when she got in trouble as a young child, stealing and stuff, I took her to the police personally to have a chat.  I don't let her get away with nothing.  I have consequences to not behaving like a responsible adult.  

I called her today to give her the opprotunity to tell me the truth.  She chose to not speak to me but have her girlfriend make up excuses as to why she couldn't answer the phone.  By not talking to me she has confirmed that what I heard was in fact the truth.

So, she has decided to come get her shit.  Time for a real world wake up call.  In two months when her girlfriends mother starts threatening her life again I will direct her to the nearest shelter.  Her girlfriend doesn't work either.  Good Luck.

I will not rescue her again from this family that she is in such denial about.

I must turn my heart cold in order for her to start using those wings and flying.

Parenting sucks.

To you Alyssa

Death Race 3000

Hell, at least the title got you.  We begin our blog from 4 nights ago.

Scene:  Family is happily sleeping other than I of course.  I am reclined on the couch with my trusty June Bug Killer, Loki, when from the corner of my eye what do I see.......Why a tricky little mouse with some huge ego.  She stared at me from the cover of the chair fabric.  Sizing me up.  Wondering in her little Ninja skills if she could scurry across the room hit the wall and make her way over to the dog dish where a plethra of kibble awaited her twitching whiskers.  I shall call my nemesis, Trinity, because the little bitch moves like she were in the Matrix.

Don't let that cute little face fool you.  She is a professional whore and is happily breeding under my trailer.  My first experience with Trinity was when I was sitting on my throne doing my business.  My husband had repaired the floor in the bathroom and of course left a hole around the pipes big enough for an army of ninja mice to get through.  As I sat there, again, from the corner of my eye I see a moving object.  Damned if it was a very pregnant Trinity shooting past into the bathroom in my direction when she did a matrix move and shot right under me and down the hole.  Where the hell is Loki?  Damn dog is part rat terrier why isn't he trying to nab her!

Now mice around here aren't anything new but the little bastard's are getting smarter.  

Once we no longer had professional killers around (cats) the little bastard's got wise to my glue traps.  Oh sure I caught about 10 of them but I think they have a special gene splicing lab under my refrigerator where they are breeding specialty mice.  Breeding out dim mice that easily go for the bait and become stuck to Ninja mice that manage to jump around, over and maybe even through a time warp tunnel through said traps.  (It could happen)

So Trinity has set forth her genetically altered offspring and they won't step on the glue traps.  By the way for those of you who don't like to kill your prey, you can safely get them off said glue traps by pouring vegetable oil around them on the trap.  I watched a video doing just that.

So I says to myself, "self, you need to find a better mouse trap"  So I did extensive research on the subject (lots of youtube videos) and found some awesome contraptions.  One I already knew about as my uncle used to use it but I don't feel like drowning the mouse just moving them to another county.

So the other day my purchase arrived...

The Eaton, J.T. Repeater Multiple Catch Mouse Trap

I got three of them!  Sleek and stylish metal trap with two ways in and one way out (me) it also has a fabulous upper window so you don't have to shake the trap to hear the squeeling mouse within you just look.  This trap also has the added feature of air holes in the sides so I can give the scent of mutant mouse to Loki without hurting said mouse.  I can see the training now...

O.K. Loki, Mommy wants you to catch the mouse.

"Duh, the June Bug?"

No, boy, the mouse, here sniff this.

"Um, I smell peanut butter"

Yes, Loki, but that's the bait, smell the small furry creature inside past the peanut butter smell.

"Um, piss?"

No, boy, that is correct the furry creature wet itself but that isn't the mouse."

"OOO OOO OOO, something moved in there Mom!"

Yes, Loki, that moving little creature is the mouse and it's up to you to protect Mommy from them.

"But it has such cute sad eyes Mom"

Look past it Loki, it is a genetically mutant mouse that wants to eat YOUR FOOD!

"WHAT THE FUCK!  I shall get you mouse!  No one eats my food except maybe Bella"

So that is pretty much how our conversation would go.

All the while Trinity is in her secret lab continuing to do training on her mutant offspring.

I know she uses shock therapy because when she is working the lights dim.

So, after the night she shot across the floor in front of me with mocking laughter I decided to get out my peppermint essential oil.  Mice don't like the smell apparently and I haven't seen Trinity in a few days.  So, I have my new traps set up one under the chair she likes to move through and another one under my art table where she heads to the wall.  Baited it will a smear of peanut butter because who knew that if you give them a big blob of peanut butter it can kill them cause they aren't able to puke.  So, just a smear of temptation on the walkway, a tiny blob on the inside with doggy kibble placed in it.  I should have known after the peppermint oil it is going to take a bit for her to show her face again as the traps were empty this morning.

I SHALL GET YOU TRINITY!

Some days you have to wonder....

It has been a wild month (May).  Seems topsy turvy in all the most strange ways.

Lets review shall we?

Weather in Minnesota:  We now have 5 official seasons up here.  Summer, Fall, Winter, Sprinter and Spring.  All of which seem to happen in the month of May.  It has snowed, thawed, heated up, dropped back down, torrential rains, snow again etc.  All in one month mind you...  It is now June 3rd and I have heard a rumor there is supposed to be a frost warning....  WTF

I don't know whether to bring out the lawn mower or snow shovel!

So that's weather now onto other news.

Those who have listened to the Sit a Spell show on Jackalope Radio most likely know that we are all about helping people.  Well, for the most part I help others out in little ways that mean a lot.  My Father in law past away in September and my husband received a small inheritance.  My husband and I made a decision about helping one person out in a HUGE way.  I have a neighbor who is 52 yrs old with two kids living at home ages 16 and 19 and she works her tail off at a job that doesn't appreciate her nor gives her enough hours to make a decent life for herself.  She has never taken any kind of public assistance and I have no idea how she stretches a dollar as far as she does and yet she would give you the shirt off her back or her last dollar to help you out.  Well, she lives in a mobile home that has seen better days.  The roof, horrible and it rains down inside her house.  The ceilings are starting to fall in the mold from all the wet is messing with their health and she is just plain overwhelmed by it all.

So......  I have her come over one day and we were all chatting and having a grand time when I pulled out two plastic Easter eggs.  I told her to pick one of the eggs and look inside.  So she picks an egg and starts to open it.  Held inside is a small piece of paper with a message on it which she squints to read...(she never remembers her reading glasses)

At first their is confusion on her face that moves onto disbelief into shock into the words... "no, no, no, you can't do that, no, really you guys can't do that, OMG, OMG, REALLY?"  I'm expecting heart failure at any moment and have the cardiac paddles nearby.  You see written on that piece of paper were the words....  YOUR GETTING A NEW HOUSE.

After 20 minutes of convincing her that, yes, she was actually going to get a new home her face lit up with joy through the tears.  She called her son at college and told him.  He was shocked and over joyed and thanked us as he had been so worried about his mom that he was considering quitting college.  She called her daughter who also had a mini heart failure exploding with joy.  That was 6 weeks ago and today she is in a newer mobile home and the joy on their faces brighten our days.

There are people out there that have said to us like we are crazy, "Why, would you do that?"  Quite a lot of people actually ask that and our response is.....  "Because we were able to and it was the right thing to do."  People need to stick together more than ever in these crazy times.  Even little things can mean so much to someone from a smile to an ear willing to listen and sometimes when you are able....do something really big just once.

Now onto the crazy crap...........

I have another neighbor.....  He asked me if he could dig up some of my Tiger Lillies for his garden.  I said, sure!  Dig em all out.  (I have tried everything to kill them buggers off, they should be called Cockroach Lillies)  This was 2 months ago.....  Haven't seen nor heard anything further on the subject.  I was beginning to think he decided against it TILL............  At 2:37 AM today he was outside with a headlamp on starting to dig those damn things up.  I repeat....  2:37 AM

We promptly told him to stop....  who in their right fucking mind starts digging up Cockroach Lillies at 2:37 am!  We told him to come back when normal people are fucking awake.  He obviously had way to much beer in him (it was bonfire night) and most likely some other illegal substance that made him super hyper...  And this is where the title of this blog comes from.  I sometimes look at him and have to wonder.  Good Lord, we have all kinds around here!

So, I'm off...  Be good and if you can't be good name it after me.

:)

Do something nice for someone each day and lets make this a better world to live in!

Death and the Empath

Death and the Empath.  Interesting concept especially when the dying is talking to me from the hospital in his between world state.

Tuesday night my Father in Law past away.  I got a call from my husband from the hospital that they had given him last rites.  Vince and his brother told him it was o.k. for him to go, they would take care of everything.  At home I'm being yelled at, "I ain't going, I ain't going damn it"

Vince came home to get something to eat and chill for a bit and then we got a call from his brother, Craig, that he should come back to the hospital as Dad was going fast.  I got dressed and as usual when I am in the bathroom I hear Dad saying, "Don't leave without me, Don't leave without me"  I knew he was talking to Mom who was there to take him home and I knew he would be dead before we got there.  We were 5 minutes from the hospital when Craig called and said he is already dead.  Vincent went into a fury and almost took us off the slippery icy road into the ditch.

They both wanted to be there when he went but Clem was not about to allow that to happen.  You see there had been bad blood between the three of them for the last 5 years.  Clem liked to pit his boys against each other telling one that the other one did this or that when in fact he hadn't.  His need for control over all situations seemed to give him a twisted pleasure that increased more and more since Faye died in 2004.

Clem did have his good qualities.  He adored his grand daughters.  His OCD got in the way of him maintaining a relationship with my daughter.  After Faye died, Alyssa grieved for a year and a half and when she would be at his house for the weekend and would start crying about Faye, Clem would get upset and tell her to stop it, get over it.  There were other things that pushed her away from him to the point that she will not be attending the funeral Tuesday.

The problem being an Empath during a time of death in these circumstances is I am the outward expression of sorrow and anger my husband continues to hold in.  I am not able to block his emotional turmoil and he thinks my behavior is coming from me and not mirroring what he is holding within.  I have had to seperate from him and stop talking to him today.  He has to deal with his mourning and I have my own..  I can't do both.

So from today until Tuesday at 9am when the funeral is......will be very interesting.

xoxo


I did it my way.........

Really? Current events in the last few days surprise you?

You know what surprises me?

How bent out of shape everyone is getting about these innocent kids.  Your all for stringing up the killer and condemning him.

Do you see the thousands of innocent children and parents being slaughtered in Iran/Iraq by our American soldiers?  Someone please explain the difference to me?  Should we also call for a tribunal to string up American vets, service men and women?  I support those who choose to go into a war they believe the hype on I do.  Do I condone it?  No.  Do I pray for them?  Yes.

So why do people get bent out of shape about me also saying a prayer for the young man who did the horrible killing in CT.?

Killing of innocent women and children is fine as long as it is in another country where you don't see it?  Then it's ok and we can pray for their killers.

You wonder why these kids are snapping all of a sudden and going on killing sprees?  You seriously can't figure that out?  Here are some reasons.....


1.  Parenting.

Let's face it, half of these kids parents are either brought up by parents who had no moral code and weren't prepared to raise a child or you have single parents so busy trying to make a living having to take 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet so they aren't able to be home to set boundries and raise healthy, compassionate kids.

2. Kids with Special Needs that the families aren't getting support for.

There are more and more of these kids being born today and I personally feel that it is the over abundant vaccine schedules that send most of these kids into the plethra of labels put on them.  With all the chemicals in our water system, GMO's in our food system, artificial sugars I can go on and on.  They are basically destroying our children's developing brains as well as our own.

3.  Emotional Abandonment/Bullying

Kids who are constantly being put down for being unique.  Emotionally and Physically abused by sometimes a parent but more often bullies in schools and schools that don't give two shits about dealing with the problem.  Not to mention the bullies parent most likely not caring if they have a tough kid.

These kids who are victim to bullies have no fucking outlet or support system to help them.  They are lost, alone, humiliated, and very angry.  You hold anger inside long enough and it will manifest and sometimes not in the most pleasant ways.  If they don't snap and go after the world that torments them they take it out on themselves.  Still, no one does anything to help them.  Instead lets pump them full of chemical mind altering drugs and set them in front of violent video games where they can learn to be cold, heartless killers.  Video games are a fine training tool.  Let's overload their minds with violence and killing and make all compassion and empathy fade away like a changing season.

I look out in the world today and I see packs of feral children reverting back to their primal instincts of survival.  Kill or be killed, only the strong can survive, no room for compassion.  I see packs of feral adults too doing the same thing.  I went one day to a food shelf and witness some asshat pushing a woman holding an infant out of the way to get a place in the front of the line.  When confronted he states, "I don't give a fuck about you and your baby".  These are the people that feel entitled to get whatever they can for nothing.  They give the system ment to help out a bad name.  This is the world we have created......

This is the legacy we leave for our children.  Until we can raise compassionate, empathic children that care for one another and the community at large we are a dying society.

Violent societies are like plagues of rats and vermin spreading their sickness....  Vaccinate that.

I pray for all people who need it.......not just for the victims of the violence but for the violence bearers for they seem to need it the most.

Thou Shalt Not Kill

One simple rule until man adds to it for his purposes.

I'm tired.........and joyfully await the transition of death whenever it comes.

Bless You All

Adventure, Pain & Cheap Thrills....

What more could one want in life?

This blog theme song is:    Ride the Pain

Now why this one?  Well a couple reasons.  Everytime we, being the Bee Merry Gals, go on our weekend adventures of healing the land, Shelli makes a trip themed mix CD.  This song was on this one and it makes me very happy and bouncy.  The other reason you will find if you read further..

Our trip was up in the Northern parts unknown to most people not in state or for me for that matter cause we were way up in Northern Wisconsin of all places yet still on the great Lake Superior.  Now if it weren't so friggin cold up on the lake in winter I would gladly live there alas I want to keep my nipples intact.

Our first stop along the way was Spirit Mountain where we have been doing work before.  We went up to see the damage from the flooding up there and OMG, it was intense.   Where you see my head is where the road should be..  This is where my ride the pain adventure begins.

Now for those not in the know I have for 25 years or so had chronic myofasia pain and fibromyalgia along with 2 bulging disks so there is that but two weeks prior to this trip my dog took me on a magical mystery flying carpet ride over the railing of our front steps onto my back and thankfully not onto our smaller dog.  So, I am pretty much still in manageble pain right there. sort of.

So what does Theresa do?  Can you guess?  Theresa hears in her head, "Climb down into the ravine by the water Theresa"

So like any spiritually minded person or nut if you will, I listen to said voice and made my way down.  Interesting trek fairly easy getting down but then I'm climbing all over these lovely rocks, bending down to collect water, using muscles that are definately in flare up mode from 2 weeks prior and I'm about oh, 2 stories down.  Starting to feel it now.

So I look up and think, damn the climb up should be easy right?  Yes and no.  Climbing over all the rocks with searing pain in my L4 & L5 was the really hard part but once got to solid ground I took my time going up and finally reached the bridge.  Whew, sat down for a moment took a Vicodin, 6 Ibuprofen and took a breather.  Now we are a tight group and we leave no man behind so Carol hung out with me while I chilled for a minute then got up and made our way back to the van.  Off we went....

Travelled over to Wisconsin and saw a very cool windmill then made our way to the cabin.  We were in Port Wing right on Lake Superior.  

We made our way to one beach area the waves were splashing (a very exciting happy time for me) but yet again I have to climb down stairs to the beach.  MOST worth it at this time.  I was in rock and driftwood heaven!

Ever see the movie The Dark Crystal?  This piece of driftwood reminds me of the highly spiritual being The urRu / Mystics.  See the resemblence?

If there had been room in the van you can bet your ass I would have had that driftwood in there.  I then walked the beach, note to self:  walking in sand really works those muscle we talked about earlier, and Carol spotted some bear tracks and some wolf tracks.  So, of course I had to take a picture of me walking with Bear and Wolf.

Get to our little cabin on the lake and we start to unload the vehicles and enjoy the sunset......

By now , I'm really starting to feel it.....but we had to go out to dinner.  By the time we did get to the cabin the pain levels were around the 15 level and I would have killed for morphine or a bear to eat me so it wouldn't be an issue anymore.   Did I say tears?  Oh yes, there were lots of tears.....

So much so that I slept outside in the 3 season type building on the couch by my lonesome.  The rest of this blog shall be continued......