It's a bad day.

Vince just spoke to Human Resources today.  Due to his lift restrictions of 10 lbs after his J-tube placement he can no longer work.  So, we shall find a way to cut all costs to 1000.00 bucks a month till his short term disability can kick in.  He has to be out of work for 2 weeks before that happens.

Smile, that's all one can do.

Eh, it's a whinny day.

With everything going on my mind is in a death spin getting ready to crash and burn.  Between this dark depression that has taken hold and of course the wonderful Mercury Retrograde I am taking everything in the wrong way becoming increasingly irritated and aggitated with of course pain levels gong through the roof.

I want to wake up and have t the way it used to be with the daily grind of life and not the increasing realization that cancer is living in my house.  The mail daily is making me crazy.  We are only just starting this process and the co pays are climbing without having even started the chemo or radiation.

Last night we had hamburgers with avocado, onion and balsamic vinegrette reduction.  Vince tried to eat it but the first bite he took (much to big) and as chewed as well as he could would not go down.  Got stuck and with panic in his eyes he ran to the bathroom choking.  He became very depressed that he wasn't able to eat it being Italian and loving food.  So I took it to the kitchen tossed everything but the bread into the nutra bullet with some stock some more avocado and puree'd it to a smooth consitency.  It did not look appetizing at all and he pretty much said, Yum, Alpo but he was able to eat it and the flavor was there.  Have to invest into a food processor now.  I want to keep the bullet for his protein shakes and smoothies.

Anyway, trying to keep up the "Laughter" medicine but it is already so fucking hard.  He is going to try to go to work tonight after his surgery to put the port and J-tube in.  Just worried how this is all going to work out.

My husband has cancer

A wife's journal

In the beginning.........

Vince and I have been married for almost 28 years. Mainly it has been him worrying and caring for me during all my multiple illness's, including my own cancer. Now, it's my turn. On January 14^th, 2014, we received the results of his biopsy, Esophageal Cancer.

What brought us to this life changing diagnosis came months ago. It seems to have slowly crept up on us like a cat on a mouse. I had seen signs that something was wrong with him probably 7 months beforehand. He would come home from work and look white as a sheet. I mentioned to him on multiple occasions that it looked like he was anemic and in traditional Vinnie style he poo poo'd me and said, “I'm fine”.

He was loosing weight which was a good thing as he was a big man but he really wasn't on a diet and had not be actively trying to loose weight. His energy started dropping to the point he was so exhausted when he got home he melted into his chair and didn't have the energy to do much of anything. Like a true stubborn Italian man he was ignoring his own body till he got so tired and worn out he finally went into Urgent care. Well, Urgent care was pretty much a waste of time as the doctor just assumed he had some virus and wouldn't do any blood draws. One week later we took him to the ER and after they did all the blood work found out that he was indeed anemic. His Hbg was 7.2 and for a normal male it should be 14 to 16. That night they gave him 2 units of blood and sent us home but they did arrange for him to have a colonoscopy to try and find where he was bleeding from.

The next day he went to work and really should not have but when he got home he was white as a sheet again and feeling weak. Two days after the 1^st transfusions he was back in the ER to get 2 more.

We waited patiently for the day of his colonoscopy. The day arrived and they decided that they were doing a colonoscopy and an endoscopy the same day. Colonoscopy turned out clear but he had a lot of bleeding in his stomach which they said was an ulcer and they took biopsies of the area. Those biopsies came back negative and he was to return in a month to have another endoscopy to see if he was healing. They had prescribed him Prilosec 2 times a day.

So on January 6^th he went in for his follow up endoscopy. This time the doctor took more biopsies and told us the ulcer was clearing up. One strange thing is he didn't give us the pictures this time. I asked for them and the nurse came back and said he was going to keep them to talk to a couple other doctors. Flag went up for me right there.

So on his appointment with the doctor on the 14^th Vince was told that the biopsies this time showed cancer. Deep down we had both had the big “C” in our heads that was going to be the diagnosis. When he called me from the doctor's office and told me I was devastated, he was numb. The diagnosis was Esophagus Cancer. The doctor did say they caught it early but they didn't know the stage of the cancer which won't be known till after it is removed.

Immediately he was given the information for all the appointments for scans that he has to have done and his Nurse Coordinators etc. I was at home in tears and had to call our daughter to give her the news. She was upset but she became the rock and tried to calm and reassure me. She is a strong young woman.

When Vince came home we sat together on the bed and talked trying to reassure each other that no matter what we would fight this together. I posted for prayers on FB and the immense love came pouring out for both of us. And so it began......this fight for life.

Wednesday, January 15^th the day of the 1^st CT scan. Neither of us had slept as this was moving at such a whirlwind pace. One day your told you have cancer the next morning your in a CT scanner. We have so far dealt with all this with humor. Laughter is the best medicine and Vince had me rolling on the floor after he was done with the scan. He told me that when they took him into the changing room they said, “You can keep your shirt on but everything below the waist off except for these scrubs.” Well, they had two sizes of scrubs one to big and one to small.

He got the bigger ones and as he walked down the hall to the scanner in his exsausted state he forgot to hold his pants up and found himself in the hallway with his pants around his ankles with his naughty bits all hanging out for the world to see. He calmly pulled them up and continued walking as the nurse said to him, “forgot to hold those up huh?”

Laughter..... You have to have laughter or you fall down into the pit of despair.

January 16^th, Off we go into the cities for a PET scan.

As we waited for them to call him in for the scan I snuck over to the gift shop to look around. I found the coolest things. I came back to the waiting room and handed him one.

That brought out a huge smile.

After 45 minutes of waiting the technician came out to tell us that the PET scanner was broken. GRRRRR. We had his Nurse Coordinator for Abbott with us at the time and I said, “Well, we have to come in tomorrow for his ultrasound can they reschedule him tomorrow?” as we live 50 miles from the hospital. GREAT news they had an opening at 7 am. Which seen as the PET scan takes 2 hours we would get done in time for him to go to the other side of the hospital for his ultrasound at 9:30. Although now we have to get up at 3:30 in the morning to leave by 5 to get there by 6:45 with the crazy snow and bitter cold storm coming through.

Nurse Jessica gave us a 3 ring binder with everything a cancer patient could want to keep track of everything and told us that she had scheduled the appointment with his surgeon for Tuesday the 21^st. Off we went.

Now I have learned that you should always use Valet parking. We unfortunately did not and ended up on the fourth level, winds blowing and lo and behold.... the elevator was not working. Tomorrow I'm using Valet parking.

We were both starving to death as he had not eaten since the night before nor did I so off we went to Perkins. He ate a hearty meal.

And so our wait for the morning begins. It is 1 a.m. Vince is sleeping and here I sit typing. Yup, insomnia is my name.

Parenting. The hardest fucking job in the world.

Today we made the decision to tell our daughter to leave our home.  She is 20 years old and although we were proud as hell that she finally got a job and was working toward being able to live independently alas....  The lie.

Most people will find me a very evil mother but I did my best.

She graduated from Hubert H. Humphrey Job Corps this year and everything was looking great.  She got a job unfortunately not a drivers license along with it.  I had no problem driving her to work but I also kept on her to get a license.  I always thought it odd that a job she was hired to work 35 hours a pay period she wasn't being scheduled those hours.  She would get off early or not be scheduled for 2 weeks.  I would question her about it and got a very negative Taurus response.  This has been almost 3 months now.

Last night I heard a rumor....small towns ya know.

One of her co-workers had stated that she likes to leave work early and asks for a lot of days off.  Well this infuriated me to say the least but I called her as she is up north on vacation with her girlfriend.  Confronted her about the rumor and told her I was going to call her manager to confirm this.  Already I knew she had been lying as I could hear the tears.  I told her if in fact this was true she would have to move out.  I'm tired of dealing with her fantasy land of make believe where her parents take care of her for life while she sits around playing games, choosing when she will work etc.

Now I'm the mom who when she got in trouble as a young child, stealing and stuff, I took her to the police personally to have a chat.  I don't let her get away with nothing.  I have consequences to not behaving like a responsible adult.  

I called her today to give her the opprotunity to tell me the truth.  She chose to not speak to me but have her girlfriend make up excuses as to why she couldn't answer the phone.  By not talking to me she has confirmed that what I heard was in fact the truth.

So, she has decided to come get her shit.  Time for a real world wake up call.  In two months when her girlfriends mother starts threatening her life again I will direct her to the nearest shelter.  Her girlfriend doesn't work either.  Good Luck.

I will not rescue her again from this family that she is in such denial about.

I must turn my heart cold in order for her to start using those wings and flying.

Parenting sucks.

To you Alyssa

Death Race 3000

Hell, at least the title got you.  We begin our blog from 4 nights ago.

Scene:  Family is happily sleeping other than I of course.  I am reclined on the couch with my trusty June Bug Killer, Loki, when from the corner of my eye what do I see.......Why a tricky little mouse with some huge ego.  She stared at me from the cover of the chair fabric.  Sizing me up.  Wondering in her little Ninja skills if she could scurry across the room hit the wall and make her way over to the dog dish where a plethra of kibble awaited her twitching whiskers.  I shall call my nemesis, Trinity, because the little bitch moves like she were in the Matrix.

Don't let that cute little face fool you.  She is a professional whore and is happily breeding under my trailer.  My first experience with Trinity was when I was sitting on my throne doing my business.  My husband had repaired the floor in the bathroom and of course left a hole around the pipes big enough for an army of ninja mice to get through.  As I sat there, again, from the corner of my eye I see a moving object.  Damned if it was a very pregnant Trinity shooting past into the bathroom in my direction when she did a matrix move and shot right under me and down the hole.  Where the hell is Loki?  Damn dog is part rat terrier why isn't he trying to nab her!

Now mice around here aren't anything new but the little bastard's are getting smarter.  

Once we no longer had professional killers around (cats) the little bastard's got wise to my glue traps.  Oh sure I caught about 10 of them but I think they have a special gene splicing lab under my refrigerator where they are breeding specialty mice.  Breeding out dim mice that easily go for the bait and become stuck to Ninja mice that manage to jump around, over and maybe even through a time warp tunnel through said traps.  (It could happen)

So Trinity has set forth her genetically altered offspring and they won't step on the glue traps.  By the way for those of you who don't like to kill your prey, you can safely get them off said glue traps by pouring vegetable oil around them on the trap.  I watched a video doing just that.

So I says to myself, "self, you need to find a better mouse trap"  So I did extensive research on the subject (lots of youtube videos) and found some awesome contraptions.  One I already knew about as my uncle used to use it but I don't feel like drowning the mouse just moving them to another county.

So the other day my purchase arrived...

The Eaton, J.T. Repeater Multiple Catch Mouse Trap

I got three of them!  Sleek and stylish metal trap with two ways in and one way out (me) it also has a fabulous upper window so you don't have to shake the trap to hear the squeeling mouse within you just look.  This trap also has the added feature of air holes in the sides so I can give the scent of mutant mouse to Loki without hurting said mouse.  I can see the training now...

O.K. Loki, Mommy wants you to catch the mouse.

"Duh, the June Bug?"

No, boy, the mouse, here sniff this.

"Um, I smell peanut butter"

Yes, Loki, but that's the bait, smell the small furry creature inside past the peanut butter smell.

"Um, piss?"

No, boy, that is correct the furry creature wet itself but that isn't the mouse."

"OOO OOO OOO, something moved in there Mom!"

Yes, Loki, that moving little creature is the mouse and it's up to you to protect Mommy from them.

"But it has such cute sad eyes Mom"

Look past it Loki, it is a genetically mutant mouse that wants to eat YOUR FOOD!

"WHAT THE FUCK!  I shall get you mouse!  No one eats my food except maybe Bella"

So that is pretty much how our conversation would go.

All the while Trinity is in her secret lab continuing to do training on her mutant offspring.

I know she uses shock therapy because when she is working the lights dim.

So, after the night she shot across the floor in front of me with mocking laughter I decided to get out my peppermint essential oil.  Mice don't like the smell apparently and I haven't seen Trinity in a few days.  So, I have my new traps set up one under the chair she likes to move through and another one under my art table where she heads to the wall.  Baited it will a smear of peanut butter because who knew that if you give them a big blob of peanut butter it can kill them cause they aren't able to puke.  So, just a smear of temptation on the walkway, a tiny blob on the inside with doggy kibble placed in it.  I should have known after the peppermint oil it is going to take a bit for her to show her face again as the traps were empty this morning.

I SHALL GET YOU TRINITY!

Some days you have to wonder....

It has been a wild month (May).  Seems topsy turvy in all the most strange ways.

Lets review shall we?

Weather in Minnesota:  We now have 5 official seasons up here.  Summer, Fall, Winter, Sprinter and Spring.  All of which seem to happen in the month of May.  It has snowed, thawed, heated up, dropped back down, torrential rains, snow again etc.  All in one month mind you...  It is now June 3rd and I have heard a rumor there is supposed to be a frost warning....  WTF

I don't know whether to bring out the lawn mower or snow shovel!

So that's weather now onto other news.

Those who have listened to the Sit a Spell show on Jackalope Radio most likely know that we are all about helping people.  Well, for the most part I help others out in little ways that mean a lot.  My Father in law past away in September and my husband received a small inheritance.  My husband and I made a decision about helping one person out in a HUGE way.  I have a neighbor who is 52 yrs old with two kids living at home ages 16 and 19 and she works her tail off at a job that doesn't appreciate her nor gives her enough hours to make a decent life for herself.  She has never taken any kind of public assistance and I have no idea how she stretches a dollar as far as she does and yet she would give you the shirt off her back or her last dollar to help you out.  Well, she lives in a mobile home that has seen better days.  The roof, horrible and it rains down inside her house.  The ceilings are starting to fall in the mold from all the wet is messing with their health and she is just plain overwhelmed by it all.

So......  I have her come over one day and we were all chatting and having a grand time when I pulled out two plastic Easter eggs.  I told her to pick one of the eggs and look inside.  So she picks an egg and starts to open it.  Held inside is a small piece of paper with a message on it which she squints to read...(she never remembers her reading glasses)

At first their is confusion on her face that moves onto disbelief into shock into the words... "no, no, no, you can't do that, no, really you guys can't do that, OMG, OMG, REALLY?"  I'm expecting heart failure at any moment and have the cardiac paddles nearby.  You see written on that piece of paper were the words....  YOUR GETTING A NEW HOUSE.

After 20 minutes of convincing her that, yes, she was actually going to get a new home her face lit up with joy through the tears.  She called her son at college and told him.  He was shocked and over joyed and thanked us as he had been so worried about his mom that he was considering quitting college.  She called her daughter who also had a mini heart failure exploding with joy.  That was 6 weeks ago and today she is in a newer mobile home and the joy on their faces brighten our days.

There are people out there that have said to us like we are crazy, "Why, would you do that?"  Quite a lot of people actually ask that and our response is.....  "Because we were able to and it was the right thing to do."  People need to stick together more than ever in these crazy times.  Even little things can mean so much to someone from a smile to an ear willing to listen and sometimes when you are able....do something really big just once.

Now onto the crazy crap...........

I have another neighbor.....  He asked me if he could dig up some of my Tiger Lillies for his garden.  I said, sure!  Dig em all out.  (I have tried everything to kill them buggers off, they should be called Cockroach Lillies)  This was 2 months ago.....  Haven't seen nor heard anything further on the subject.  I was beginning to think he decided against it TILL............  At 2:37 AM today he was outside with a headlamp on starting to dig those damn things up.  I repeat....  2:37 AM

We promptly told him to stop....  who in their right fucking mind starts digging up Cockroach Lillies at 2:37 am!  We told him to come back when normal people are fucking awake.  He obviously had way to much beer in him (it was bonfire night) and most likely some other illegal substance that made him super hyper...  And this is where the title of this blog comes from.  I sometimes look at him and have to wonder.  Good Lord, we have all kinds around here!

So, I'm off...  Be good and if you can't be good name it after me.

:)

Do something nice for someone each day and lets make this a better world to live in!

Death and the Empath

Death and the Empath.  Interesting concept especially when the dying is talking to me from the hospital in his between world state.

Tuesday night my Father in Law past away.  I got a call from my husband from the hospital that they had given him last rites.  Vince and his brother told him it was o.k. for him to go, they would take care of everything.  At home I'm being yelled at, "I ain't going, I ain't going damn it"

Vince came home to get something to eat and chill for a bit and then we got a call from his brother, Craig, that he should come back to the hospital as Dad was going fast.  I got dressed and as usual when I am in the bathroom I hear Dad saying, "Don't leave without me, Don't leave without me"  I knew he was talking to Mom who was there to take him home and I knew he would be dead before we got there.  We were 5 minutes from the hospital when Craig called and said he is already dead.  Vincent went into a fury and almost took us off the slippery icy road into the ditch.

They both wanted to be there when he went but Clem was not about to allow that to happen.  You see there had been bad blood between the three of them for the last 5 years.  Clem liked to pit his boys against each other telling one that the other one did this or that when in fact he hadn't.  His need for control over all situations seemed to give him a twisted pleasure that increased more and more since Faye died in 2004.

Clem did have his good qualities.  He adored his grand daughters.  His OCD got in the way of him maintaining a relationship with my daughter.  After Faye died, Alyssa grieved for a year and a half and when she would be at his house for the weekend and would start crying about Faye, Clem would get upset and tell her to stop it, get over it.  There were other things that pushed her away from him to the point that she will not be attending the funeral Tuesday.

The problem being an Empath during a time of death in these circumstances is I am the outward expression of sorrow and anger my husband continues to hold in.  I am not able to block his emotional turmoil and he thinks my behavior is coming from me and not mirroring what he is holding within.  I have had to seperate from him and stop talking to him today.  He has to deal with his mourning and I have my own..  I can't do both.

So from today until Tuesday at 9am when the funeral is......will be very interesting.

xoxo


I did it my way.........