Negative Brain Chatter

Once again I'm in Manic mode.....I've slept maybe 3 hours in 48 hours and yet again....I'm still awake.  Toss and turn toss and turn, to hell with it, may as well get up and go back on the computer.  Yet, I know that out there you are sleeping peacefully with lovely dreams or just getting up and getting ready to go to work.   So I sit here and talk to myself.  The whole thing with laying in bed staring up at the ceiling is the negative brain chatter that goes on. 

You can't do this, you can't do that, your not good enough, why bother, ya ya ya de da...I say this to my brain chatter....Fuck Off but yet I still become consumed with it's negative rantings.

It's a catch 22.....running in a circular wheel like a very bored hamster, just running to get somewhere and getting no where.  Nibble some kibble, poop and get back on that wheel.  I sometimes wonder if those poor hamsters become OCD about running on them after awhile.  They must, how boring are their lives.  Oh sure they have some dedicated human who will come to feed them, give them water, clean there cage and maybe if it's a really good week, take them out for some interaction and all the time the hamster is thinking, "GOT TO RUN ON THE WHEEL GOT TO RUN ON THE WHEEL" no wonder the majority of them bite.

And yet there are the crafty little buggers who shake their tiny little paw up at the ceiling and say, "NO!  I WILL NOT BE CAGED TO THIS EXSISTENCE!"  Those are the smart ones that always seem to find a way to escape....Run to the wild, the little hamster Fonze's in there black leather jackets jumping over the shark or cat infested waters on their little ski's. 

I feel like the OCD hamster personally but dream of one day being the hamster Fonze.  If only that negative brain chatter would stop.

That is all.........

Conundrum

I have come to the conclusion that

I have been the outsider, the watcher always looking in,

always yearning to be a part of something bigger,

You fear me, as I am silent or you do not have the compacity to understand

that which is me.

I am the mirror image of you that you do not wish to see,

I am all that is good and all that is bad in this world.

I am the rider in the dark night swinging my lantern for all to see,

but you shut the me out,

what is it that you fear to see

I am the humanity of the lowest forms

the battered, abused

the gentle and cruel

the ugliness of reality

that most wish to turn away from.

The shadow self walking in the light for all to see

is this what you fear

Your crystal castle up on high

blinded by the rays of the sun

I see the radiance

I bathe in it's light

in the underbelly of life

You can choose to walk with your bridled blinders on

but the reality is still the same

we are but mirrored images

we are one in the same

can you accept that?