With everything going on my mind is in a death spin getting ready to crash and burn. Between this dark depression that has taken hold and of course the wonderful Mercury Retrograde I am taking everything in the wrong way becoming increasingly irritated and aggitated with of course pain levels gong through the roof.
I want to wake up and have t the way it used to be with the daily grind of life and not the increasing realization that cancer is living in my house. The mail daily is making me crazy. We are only just starting this process and the co pays are climbing without having even started the chemo or radiation.
Last night we had hamburgers with avocado, onion and balsamic vinegrette reduction. Vince tried to eat it but the first bite he took (much to big) and as chewed as well as he could would not go down. Got stuck and with panic in his eyes he ran to the bathroom choking. He became very depressed that he wasn't able to eat it being Italian and loving food. So I took it to the kitchen tossed everything but the bread into the nutra bullet with some stock some more avocado and puree'd it to a smooth consitency. It did not look appetizing at all and he pretty much said, Yum, Alpo but he was able to eat it and the flavor was there. Have to invest into a food processor now. I want to keep the bullet for his protein shakes and smoothies.
Anyway, trying to keep up the "Laughter" medicine but it is already so fucking hard. He is going to try to go to work tonight after his surgery to put the port and J-tube in. Just worried how this is all going to work out.
