Black night of the mind

Walls bending in warped vice grips

Into darkness I succumb.

I'm entering a very dark, dark, dark state of mind.  I could be crazy but crazy people don't know they are crazy so there is that.

So, just to rant away, I shall.

I feel most like the solitary wanderer in the wastelands of life.  I'm tired both physically and mentally with this thing called existence.  Cosmic craziness pushing down constantly, pulling and pushing and tearing me to shreds.  To be very honest, I have had for over a week constant suicidal thoughts.  The sweet dirt nap is looking really good.  But lets face it, I won't follow through as that would take more effort than my body has at this point.

Of course I don't talk about it as who the hell wants to follow me down the rabbit hole of darkness.  No one in their right mind.  I'm tired of trying to make connections with people and still remaining on the outskirts, wayyyyyyyyyyy over there.  I sometimes, well lets face it, always wonder what the hell is wrong with me but in the immortal words of my husband, "Whatever".

I find myself set off in anger mode reading the happy happy positive messages I read on FB.  Try as I might to keep that positive attitude it makes me want to pull my spine out right now.  I feel totally shut out, shut down, lackluster ed, as I feel my body just cave inward to escape the pain.  But again, Whatever.

I should just go live in a cave in Tibet and maybe that would help....Don't know

Feeling lost.......


Update:  At 11:00 a.m. these words popped into my head......
"The Dark Night of the Soul"  Google it..  Big light bulb moment.

I'm not a smoker Babaganoush Bloggery.

Day two, which I might add seems like day 4 thousand 3 hundred 44 days . 3.  This is truely maddening.  OOOOOO, confession is good for the soul...

Like every good alcoholic a people who don't smoke also keep a stash around JUST IN CASE.  now this stash isn't a nice fresh long lung bayonet but a squished one from an ashtray long ago that contains possibly 2 puffs of nerve gas.  What an odd realization...

There I confessed to it, two puffs of a nasty, God only knows how old, nerve gas butt.  I then proceeded to cleanse myself of said evil temptation by burning loose sage and wafting it around my body and head.  Of that I shall say that my body and brain are so far dist-ached it is most like my neck holding the string to the balloon head floating along above bouncing off the walls, trees, etc. only I spend most of my time in my room a"AVOIDING" people who piss me off naturally right now cause I want to come back to a semi harmonious home.

It has come down to texting.  Early morning text goes like this....to Alyssa   ring ring ring,  "DOGS"   yup that is all there is....she has now been trained that this word alone signals that she is to take the dogs outside to go wee.  Much better for me too as I don't have to scream through these very thin walls so she can actually ignore me better.  As for my beloved, Loki, to alleviate my anger at him I put him in a kennel with a plate of food to eat and just went to bed.  Can't be with me, sleep with me, nothing till you EAT as it is sending me over the edge thinking of Friday's very possible negative outcome.

I have visions of epic battles rolling in my brain of little WWII Bayonet cigarettes with their spiffy hats on coming out of the trenches fighting to 400 foot set of very disturbing looking lungs.  Little red cross white blood cell dudes with their accordion pumps pumping up the jam, pump it up a little harder and you might do that....BAAAAAAAAAAABAAAAAAAAAAGANOUSHHHHHHHHHHH 

Lets face it I just got so tired of writing Mentos Babaganoush as many times as the thought pops in.....I may has well have it on speed type at this point.

I shall elaborate later when fucking google images comes through for me...they are so slow on this connections.