If we only focus on the positive and sending out loving energy and spend no time focusing on the shadow side of life, we are the Sheeple.. Blindly following the road of good intentions which is what they want. If I don't see it, it won't be a reality. Fear is an illusion. Knowledge is power and with knowledge I don't have to buy into the illusion of Fear. It is a choice...do I want to manifest that fear or not. I have spent most of my 48 years blindly walking away from the shadow side as if it didn't exist but it does and until we can look it in the face and embrace it for what it is, all the good intention in the world won't change it. We as human beings do have a shadow side. We hide from it, deny it until it transforms into something out of control. I feel that denying that it is there is more powerful in manifesting it in our lives than not.
The world is going threw some extremely crazy changes and we all feel it. I'm not happy about what is going on in the world but I can only change myself. I can send out all those good intentions and loving energy but until those that live in the shadows are "enlightened" or have the spot light upon them they will continue to do what they are doing.
I don't particularly like my own shadow side. I've done things in my life I'm not proud of and some that I'm down right ashamed of but I have looked at it and by being aware of it, have done my best to change those patterns. It seems to be coming full circle for me right now. There was a reason I didn't become a parent till I was 30. My daughter would have been abused horribly as I was. I have tried my best to do the total opposite of how my parents raised me. I have tried to maintain a calm, balance and avoid conflict and blind rages. My daughter will soon be 18 and a few nights ago she threw one to many trigger words my way. My Shadow Side came out full bore. My daughter has NEVER witnessed the rage that I hold in check.
But she became the focus of all that rage that night. Although I never hit her I did shove her down onto the couch and became possessed with rage, yelling and screaming at her as she cowered like a rabbit in a trap. She went to her room as I paced the living room only to walk up to her room and kick the door in. She was terrified for her life at that point. I saw it, I felt it and I wanted her to know that I did. I told her she was weak...that if any predator out in the world saw her they would read that weakness and she would be in this same position. I told her to get the fuck out and take a two hour walk to see what it was like to be homeless.
"What the hell was I doing!" I'm ashamed of my actions as I lost total control and demeaned my daughter the one person that has kept me here in this messed up world. That's not love, that was my mother....my shadow side. The same people I have kept her away from for 14 years. I see my daughter walking right into that kind of family that I have tried to protect her from when she leaves this house and she won't listen.
I know that she has her own journey to travel and that it is the only way that she can learn and evolve as a person and find her own inner strength but it is killing me. Sure it could be the empty nest "syndrome". I have actually been analyzing this in my own head for days now. Am I being to damn paranoid? Am I intentionally getting her really angry at me that she proves me wrong. Am I a horrible Mother...
I know what awaits her out there, I have lived it. I have had dreams of only having her for another 5 years....which she calls "Paranoid" trigger word. "Drama Queen" trigger word.. I sit here and think about the day I have to pick up the pieces.
I sit here and look at other peoples Face Book pictures of these happy go lucky families but I know they aren't what they appear to be. Not all of them. I know they have issues some very serious some not so...but we all put up that mask to hide the shadow side.
This is why I'm the black sheep of my family. I refused to keep up the mask, I talked, I threw the mirror up in their faces and they didn't like what they saw just as I don't like what I see in the mirror right now. I can't ignore the shadow side of life of myself. So this is my personal confession...my imperfection. As much as I hate it, I do retain those dark parts of my own mother and father. I can only hope that I haven't destroyed the most precious, precious gift God ever gave me.
The shadow and the light.
It's not pretty but it's there no matter how hard you try to not pay attention to it. It is festering out there...and it is time to bring it to light.
No comments:
Post a Comment