It's 5 am.

It's 5 am and do you know where the Sandman is?

Apparently not at my house.  Oh sure I get those 20 minute power snoozes sometimes but all in all about 4 hours of sleep a night if one is lucky.

So, what does one do when one never sleeps?  Well, being a gemini of course knowledge is titillating.  I'm known for random facts spewing out of my mouth from nowhere that are triggered somewhere deep in dusty cobwebs of my mind. 

For instance female hyena's have a penis.  Yes, it is absolutely true to a point. Actually they have such high amounts of testosterone in their systems that their delicate lady bits have grown to enormous penis sized prize winners.

But I digress here and hey, you opened the page so you asked for it.  (Ashley)

Tonight's subject of interest that is dear to my heart is the "nare".  ????? you maybe asking..... Well, those not in the know, will be excited to find out you have nare's also.  Yes, those little openings into your braincase that you breathe through.

Wonderful thing nares...with the right flare in your nare you can actually BREATHE.  I alas have no flare to my nares and allergies so you can imagine what trying to breathe through them is like.  Let's take a look at different nares and flares shall we?

So looking at the nare flare chart you see that there is a plethora of different shapes and sizes.  I unfortunately do not see my own on this chart...  Comparatively speaking here, figure lV, the very wide eyed surprised looking one is the optimal nare for allergy suffering nose breather's.  If I had to choose which one most closely resembles my lacking flare it would be nare number 1 from the top chart.  I was born with very cute nares...

Almost wide eyed wonders to be sure although somewhat disproportionate, the right being smaller than the left much like my boobs.

Random fact:  All women, other than imitation silicone, have one boob bigger than the other.  The smaller boob is almost always on your dominate side. Right handed or left handed.  This is because you strengthen those pectorals on the side you use the most.  Alas, your other boob is pretty much a couch potato and just gets fat and saggy.

Back to my lacking nares..  The mutation of my delicate nares began when I was six.  Yes, the day I had to start wearing GLASSES.  Apparently those nice little nose cushions caused a crazy ass squeezing shut of my sweet sweet nares.  44 years of cushiony nose pads have trained my nares to be tiny and squeezed together much like foot binding. 

This poor woman was not only tortured but seems to have received one toe more than regulation.  So now that this picture has most likely brought up every meal you have had in the last 24 hours here is how they did it.

Foot Binding:

First, each foot would be soaked in a warm mixture of herbs and animal blood; this was intended to soften the foot and aid the binding. Then, the toenails were cut back as far as possible to prevent in-growth and subsequent infections, since the toes were to be pressed tightly into the sole of the foot. To prepare her for what was to come next, the girl’s feet were delicately massaged. Cotton bandages, 3 m long and 5 cm wide (10 ft by 2 in), were prepared by soaking them in the blood and herb mixture. To enable the size of the feet to be reduced, the toes on each foot were curled under, then pressed with great force downwards and squeezed into the sole of the foot until the toes broke. This was all carried out without the use of pain relief, and was excruciatingly painful for the girl being bound.

The broken toes were held tightly against the sole of the foot while the foot was then drawn down straight with the leg and the arch forcibly broken. The actual binding of the feet was then begun. The bandages were repeatedly wound in a figure-eight movement, starting at the inside of the foot at the instep, then carried over the toes, under the foot, and round the heel, the freshly broken toes being pressed tightly into the sole of the foot. At each pass around the foot, the binding cloth was tightened, pulling the ball of the foot and the heel ever close together, causing the broken foot to fold at the arch, and pressing the toes underneath, this would cause the young girl extreme pain.(really? no shit Sherlock!) When the binding was completed, the end of the binding cloth was sewn tightly to prevent the girl from loosening it, and the girl was required to stand on her freshly broken and bound feet to further crush them into shape. As the wet bandages dried, they constricted, making the binding even tighter.

So here is your exercise for the day..  close your mouth....suck in as much air in your nose as possible till your nares slam shut. Go ahead, I'm waiting...........  If you have completed this exercise and found that you could no longer breathe during the slamming shut, congratulations, you now know what it is like for me to try and breathe.

On a positive note....at least I did not make the Guiness Book of records for this mighty impressive nose....

A Mr. Thomas Wedders from 1700's had a whopper at 19 cm or almost 7 1/2 inches long.  Which brings up the question....can you determine the size of a man's penis from his nose size and if so, did he have to carry a concealed weapons license?

So what have we learned this morning?

1. small nares are bad.

2. female hyenas have really big pseudo penis's

3. one of your boobs is most likely bigger than the other

4. foot binding is mind boggling

5. a man actually lived with a nose that could have been larger than his penis or he had to carry a concealed weapon license

6. visual aids really make a blog pop

7. the sandman sucks ass cause he is never around

8. that it surprises me that women would go to extremes to be pleasing to men

Learning is fundamental.  Aren't you glad I never sleep cause your IQ and breakfast rose just a little today?

(Lisa told me I needed to blog more so Sit a Spell fans could get to know me better...)